It was the spring of 2007. I hate to celebrate holi mainly because it gets messy. But when my friend suggested that we should have something that will show us a good time I was tempted to at least try. A good time around holi, other than mutilating each other’s faces with colour, means only one thing - getting high! I know I cannot endorse it on a public blog since this might be read by under aged children or even worse, the moral police and the worst of all, my mother. So in the spirit of keeping everyone protected, I’m going to call the substance ‘white candy’.
Kids, the thing about white candy you should always remember is that ‘you should never touch it’, ever. If you are hell bend on trying it (I mean, obviously you want to do it since you are just told not), you should know everything about it. So read on.
I have never had white candy before. Neither have the two idiotic friends of mine. We decided to take three candies in milk since we were three of us. Kids, this was our first mistake.
Two of us had two glasses of this milk and one had only half because she didn’t like milk. That was a wise decision. Nothing happened. We looked at each other wondering, ‘what was all the hullaballoo about white candy that people keep talking about?’ We left my house to have lunch at a restaurant nearby. Those were mistakes number two and three.
As we sat at the restaurant musing about how hopelessly uneventful the day has been I noticed something very peculiar. The restaurant was empty. We had just placed our order. We were waiting for the food to arrive, when suddenly the furniture started to move.
‘Hey, the benches are coming closer to me,’ I shouted.
My friend who had half a glass of milk started to laugh incessantly.
I wanted to laugh too. There was only one thing we all knew about this evil white candy. If you start to laugh you cannot stop. I began to get anxious because I had two glasses, how hard will I start laughing and for how long?
It was hard to stop this madness now. I used all the will power I could muster to stop laughing. That is when it hit me. Depression!
At this time I am thinking that laughter was a better alternative than feeling terminally sad.
I dialled up one of my trusted friends who may know a thing or two about the blasted white candy. Well his credentials are that he grew up in Mumbai. That definitely puts him in a better position than someone who grew up in a small town in Karnataka.
After listening to what happened he said, ‘don’t worry man. You can easily have up to two white candies. You guys are totally fine.’
Totally fine? ‘We had three,’ I thought. It’s officially time to panic.
Our hearts were racing to the extent that we thought it would tear off from our bodies and run on the streets. We could feel the two parts of our brains working clearly against each other.
When we reached back home, my roommate gave me the ‘not again’ look. In my defence, I’ve never had white candy before. However, I may have stumbled into my room with the ‘where the f*** am I?’ look more than once.
My roommate is from Patna. That makes him an expert on everything legal and illegal. So I could really count on him to take the white candy out of our system.
The anti-dote to this horrible product is tamarind water. The three of us gulped down almost three litres of paani puri ka paani from the nearby vendor and passed out for the next 20 hours.
If you think that this is the end of the story you are wrong. The story continues for another 48 hours where I am walking like the living dead. This might not be the ultimate hangover but I have had it with any hangover to do with white candies.
I’ve never had the notorious white candy again. But I’m happy that I have a great story to tell.
Many of my friends have stories to tell about the white candy too. One, had his hand in the air for two hours trying to catch the moon. True story. Another climbed a tree thinking he was a cat. Someone else was running around a table for half an hour. The thing about white candy is that you vividly remember each stupid act that you do. So in effect knowing the truth is punishment enough for taking it.
Written in public interest.